All That Could of Been
by xXFu Fu-ChanXx
Summary: song fic nine inch nails... really stupid...


AN: Ok, here goes. My first attempt at a short but serious songfic. I think I wrote another one, but I didn't like that one so…Yea, anyway, here is my tribute to Nine Inch Nails, I love Trent dearly…Oh, yea, remember…this is short…Oh, and, um, be forewarned…this song is kinda sad…

Disclaimer: I don't own RK or NIN, happy?

All That Could Have Been

I run, wearily, finally feeling tired. I had run for days; run away from the place I had called home for so long. But not anymore. I can never go back to that place. To your dojo…

I am panting so harshly that I swear my breath can be heard in the wind, it will carry the sound of my pain back to you. But also, if such wind is there, it will blow away the traces I had left behind, the footprints in the cold snow. The snow…It had a lonely feeling to it…almost as if it wanted to be my grave. And it knew that once I had fallen into it, I would not be able to escape its petrifying clutches. I would be lost in the icy depths…

And so I force myself not to rest. If I rest you will catch up. I cannot let you find me, I cannot let you near me…I cannot let you get hurt…

_Breeze still carries the sound  
Maybe I'll disappear  
Tracks will fade in the snow  
You won't find me here…_

I think that maybe we loved each other. I think that we could have been happy. But the malice of all of my enemies freezes the burning fire we had created with our affection for one another as if it is ice. We can never be. Not anymore…

I cannot believe the pain I have brought you. I cannot endure the pain it gives me. I sink to my knees now, gripping the hair on my head in grief because of what I have done to you, to us. This is a deed I know I cannot atone for. Even with years of servitude or protection of others…It will all end the same way this has and I will make the same mistakes over and over again…

_Ice is starting to form  
Ending what had begun  
I am locked in my head  
With what I've done…_

I understand the things you tried to do. You try sympathy and forgiveness with me, but I cannot accept. You say it doesn't matter. All the evil that attacks us because of my past…I can't let anyone harm you, I cannot watch you suffer. You try to help, but it puts you in danger. I cannot allow that…

And so I left you, without a word but right in front of your face. I could feel the hatred rising up in me from that villain and I knew I couldn't be near you. It always frightens you. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I want you to forget now…Destroy all that I left of my belongings even if to you they are tools for you to remember me by. However, I did take one thing of yours, Kaoru. I don't want to forget you either. This ribbon I clutch now in my fist as the pain refuses to recede somehow brings me more pain. I wish our love didn't have to be a dream, for we could have been so much if we could have been together…forever…

_I know you tried to rescue me  
Didn't let anyone get in  
Left with a trace of all that was  
And all that could have been…_

And suddenly I hear something now, and it startles me. I watch as you step towards me from behind a tree. Your tear-streaked face is unbearable to look at and so I back away, still on the ground. I scramble in the snow away from your sorrowful expression until I hit a tree. And suddenly it is too painful to remember. I want to forget the happiness we shared. It is too painful. Too painful…

"Here…" I breathed harshly at you, but you didn't move, "Take the ribbon back. Just keep it. I can't bear it. Take it and leave. Just stay away from me, I don't want to hurt you…Please…"

"Kenshin…" You whisper in a faint voice filled with grief.

"Don't come any closer!" I pant, clutching my head, "You are too pure for my stained soul, please, don't…let me…harm you…We can't be together. I…can't…"

My eyes, I know, are a deep crimson in their transformation from amethyst to amber. I don't want you to be afraid. I want you to be happy. If only I knew how to stop this all. If only I could see the meaning behind all the signs I am given, everything I do, everything you do, everything we promised each other…You were my world. What is everything pointing to? In the end I decided that everything was telling me to stay away and to leave you…because I don't want to hurt you…Our future together no longer exists…It cannot…I had no meaning except to atone, and yet you consumed my being. I cannot let you be harmed…for it would kill me…

_Please take this  
And run far away  
Far away from me  
I am tainted,  
The two of us  
Were never meant to be,  
All these pieces  
And promises and left behinds  
If only I could see,  
In my nothing  
You meant everything  
Everything to me…_

And just a suddenly as you appeared to me, you disappeared. Your melancholy image became more and more translucent until you were all together gone. You were only a mirage, a dream of mine, after all. And with you disappeared my very last hopes of a future with us together. It's all just a stupid dream that will never come to pass.

Gone…fading…everything…  
And…all that…could have been…

This time I know I can't control the other half of my being. It forces me to its will. Other times I was able to restrain it, but now for some reason it begs to come out. I can't resist, no matter how hard I try. I know that because of my past sins I was not supposed to get what I wanted. I did not deserve that much. I was not meant to be joyful from the very moment I sunk my sword's sharp edge into that first man's flesh those many years ago when I was just a boy. I know I deserve to suffer through years of nightmares because of the sins I have committed. I regret that to the fullest extent.

_Please take this  
And run far away  
Far as you can see,  
I am tainted,  
The happiness and peace of mind  
Were never meant for me,  
All these pieces  
And promises and left behinds  
If only I could see,  
In my nothing  
You meant everything  
Everything to me_

The other consumes my consciousness. My eyes burn with their amber glow and my head throbs. I have no control now. All I feel is hatred and bloodlust towards he who threatens you. Just stay away. Stay away and you will be safe…

AN: Don't kill me please, there's more, just wait! NOOO! Come back! There's an alternate ending, read it if you like, it's uh, supposed to be a sad but less sad ending. Here goes, it's like a paragraph longer than the original ending…

I push the other away. I am in control and I won't let it engulf me. You would want me to be strong. I can't stay awake forever, though. And I'm tired. I sink to the ground and lay in a piteous way here in the snow.

Now, I may be dreaming again, but I see you running up to me, and you embrace me tightly. Warm droplets of something drip from your face onto mine. Are you crying? Please don't…Chocolate brown spiky hair. Sanosuke. He lifts me from your arms and I think he is walking off with me. I look around nervously, but with my eyes barely open and my lips dry and cracked. I whisper your name and I see your smile, though you are still crying. And now I cannot tell if I am awake or asleep but I can't see anything. The nightmares come but I know that at least when I awake you will be there.


End file.
